funny stuff

Thirty second IQ test

It’s a single question IQ test – and is basically a pass or fail. I failed.
There’s a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Now, if there’s a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

Think about it before looking down for the answer…
He opens his mouth and says, “I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses, please”.
Be very honest with yourself. How did you do?

Guaranteed Pick Up lines

Expand your vocabulary

Humourous Real words

Have fun with this list of like big words and shit, so you can expand your knowledge of… well, big words. Discombobulate your peers, flumox the fatuous, sound like a pretentious pettifogger or even insult the local yahoo without them realizing. Some quality words here that don’t even sound like real words so you can pretend that you read philosophy or books without pictures.

Crapulence – Discomfort from eating or drinking too much.
Snool – A servile person.
Furphy – A portable water-container.
Eructation – A burp, belch.
Snickersnee – A long knife.
Pandiculation – A full body stretch.
Pettifogger – A person who tries to befuddle others with his speech.
Tatterdemalion – A child in rags.
Malarkey – Nonsense, balderdash.
Snollygoster – A person who can’t be trusted.
Discombobulate – To confuse.
Wabbit – Exhausted, tired, worn out.
Widdershins – In a contrary or counterclockwise direction.
Yahoo – A rube, a country bumpkin.
Skullduggery – No good, underhanded dealing.
Quean – A disreputable woman.
Smellfungus – A perpetual pessimist.
Troglodyte – Someone or something that lives in a cave.
Hobbledehoy – An awkward or ill-mannered young boy.
Rambunctious – Aggressive, hard to control.

And without doubt the best of the list –
Slangwhanger – A loud abusive speaker or obnoxious writer.

Guaranteed Pick Up lines

Top 50 jokes in the world

Top 50 jokes in the world

Here at ‘Guaranteed pick up lines’ we are constantly looking for new material, chat up lines and all round funny stuff from the internet. So imaging our delight when we found this list of the Top 50 jokes in the world – and surprisingly, most of them are fit for polite company.
Some really good jokes here, some classics, some corny and there’s definitely a dozen good one liners you’ll want to memorise.
Here goes…

50 – I went to see the doctor the other day and he said: “Go to Bournemouth, it’s great for flu.” So I went – and I got it.

49 – A seal walks into a club…

48 – Went to the corner shop – I bought four corners.

47 – So I met this famous gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants. It was Wedgie Kray.

46 – I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything – trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

45 – I tried water polo but my horse drowned.

44 – A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and says: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

43 – You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a Catholic converter.

42 – I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags. He’s bisatchel.

41 – Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

40 – I said to this train driver: “I want to go to Paris.” He said: “Eurostar?” I said: “I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.”

39 – My phone will ring at 2am and my wife’ll look at me and go, “Who’s that calling at this time?” I say, “I don’t know. If I knew that we wouldn’t need the bloody phone.”

38 – A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins. What a turtle disaster.

37 – I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said “may contain nuts”. Well, YES. That’s what I bought them for. You’d be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out.

36 – I backed a horse last week at 10 to one. It came in at quarter past four.

35 – I went down to my local supermarket and I said: “I want to make a complaint. This vinegar’s got lumps in it”. He said: “Those are pickled onions.”

34 – A man entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in 10 different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in 10 did.

33 – I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

32 – Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says: “Oi – get out. We don’t want your type in here.”

31 – I’m in a Chinese restaurant and this duck comes up with a red rose and says: “Your eyes sparkle like diamonds.” I said: “Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck.”

30 – I’m in a great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a year’s supply of Marmite – one jar.

29 – I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said: “Are you two an item?”

28 – A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their tournament victories. After an hour, the manager came out and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

27 – Went to the paper shop – it had blown away.

26 – I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.

25 – I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and said: “Did you get my drift?”

24 – A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: “Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.”

23 – A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says: “Is this some kind of joke?”

22 – Slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace.

21 – A jumplead walks into a bar. The barman says: “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

20 – I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up for a date but she’d popped her clogs.

19 – I rang up BT. I said: “I want to report a nuisance caller.” He said: “Not you again.”

18 – “My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.”

17 – When Susan’s boyfriend proposed, she said: “I love the simple things in life but I don’t want one of them for my husband.”

16 – I went to buy camouflage trousers but I couldn’t find any.

15 – Two fish in a tank. One says: “How do you drive this thing?”

14 – A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to Spain and is named Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving it, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband said: “But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

13 – I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought: “He’s trying to pull a fast one.”

12 – My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed. I never knew they worked.

11 – Went to the doctors and said: “Have you got anything for wind?” He gave me a kite.

10 – A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says: “Pint please, and one for the road.”

9 – I’m on a whisky diet. I’ve lost three days already.

8 – “Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass Of Home.” He said: “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.” “Is it common?” I asked. “It’s not unusual,” he replied.

7 – Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The reception was brilliant.

6 – Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

5 – A classic from Tommy Cooper – I said to the gym instructor: “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said: “How flexible are you?” I said: “I can’t make Tuesdays.”

4 – A young blonde fears her husband is having an affair. She goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she finds him in bed with a redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps off the bed and starts begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically, the blonde responds to the husband: “Shut up, you’re next.”

3 – A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

2 – Went to the zoo. There was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.

1 – A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me.” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Guaranteed Pick Up lines

Today’s words of wisdom

Some Guaranteed pick up lines classic advice

Always remember:
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”.
When in doubt, mumble.
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Beauty is only skin deep…but ugly goes all the way to the bone!
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.
You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
The problem is that God gave men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time.
and finally…
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!

Guaranteed Pick Up lines

Funny quotes from funny people

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth

Only the mediocre are always at their best.
Jean Giraudoux

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
Joe E. Lewis

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Groucho Marx

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns

What’s another word for Thesaurus?
Steven Wright

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams

If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
Laurence J. Peter

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams