funny stuff

Trump pick up lines

Trump Pick up Lines

As if getting a girl to laugh at a corny pick up line wasn’t hard enough, try doing it in the voice of the president of the USA. These cheesy chat ups are currently doing the rounds so why not have a go.

A faded ginger wig may help but is not essential – and definitely NO ASS GRABBING!!!

“If you were Mexican, I’d oppose the wall.”

“Illegal immigrants may be stealing our jobs, but you stole my heart!”

“I’ll make your love life great again.”

“Don’t worddy, I won’t need to see your birth certificate.”

“Do you know what they say about men with big hands?”

“You can be pro-choice as long – as one of those choices is going on a date with me.”

“I couldn’t help noticing, but you have the mother of all bums.”

 

Good luck. GPUL.

 

Rude or crude pick up lines – there’s a time and a place

Rude or crude pick up lines – there’s a time and a place

Hopefully, the over all impression you’re getting from this site is that any pick up line, whether it be rude, cheesy or cheeky is basically to help break the ice. If you take any line too seriously, then you really run the risk of sounding creepy, especially if you are using a line that is rude or dirty.

Think about it, if you approach a girl and say something rude like, ‘don’t tell anyone, but underneath these clothes, I’m completely naked.’ you’re really just saying, ‘hello, I have a sense of humour AND I hope you do too.’

Obviously a girl’s response to your suggestive chat up line is crucial as to what happens next, so you really have to be ready to handle whatever her reply is.

rude-pickups-guaranteed-lines-man

 

Reaction to a rude pick up line

Think about what her reaction to a dirty pick up line could be:

Is it?:

  • She is kind of amused and goes along with the joke –
  • She is definitely not impressed and is a little bit cold –
  • She is creeped out and feels a little defensive –

Reaction one – great, you’ve met someone who is open to humour, chat and likes a bit of harmless innuendo. This could go well.

Reaction two – maybe you didn’t necessarily say the wrong thing, you just said it at the wrong time. Either way you could claw back your little misdemeanour with a more innocent comment or by laughing at your own misguided attempt at humour. Being a bit self-deprecating or vulnerable can be an attractive quality so turn this situation to your advantage.

Reaction three – quickly show her that your not a creep, maybe apologise and laugh at your own stupidity. If someone is left feeling uneasy, maybe you’ve misjudged the situation. Maybe her friends aren’t around and she’s in a strange bar so feeling a bit self conscious so bear that in mind – i.e., maybe a rude pick up line isn’t the thing to say to a girl alone in park!!!

Best of luck

top ten cheesy pick up lines

I thought I’d come over and say hello before you caught me staring.
I’m not a photographer, but I can picture me and you together.
You look like my first wife. (Really? How many times have you been married?) Oh I’m still a bachelor.
Are you religious? Because you’re the answer to all my prayers.
Do you have a sunburn, or are you always this hot?
Do you have a map? I’m getting lost in your eyes.
Are you a fruit, because Honeydew you know how fine you look right now?
Does your left eye hurt? Because you’ve been looking right all day.
Are you a parking ticket? ‘Cause you’ve got fine written all over you.
I’m not drunk, I’m just intoxicated by YOU.

top ten cheeky pick up lines

Did you sit in a pile of sugar? Cause you have a pretty sweet ass.

Sorry, but you owe me a drink. [She says “Why?”] Because when I looked at you, I dropped mine.

You look cold. Can I be your blanket?

I’m not staring at your boobs. I’m staring at your heart.

My doctor says I’m deficient in Vitamin U.

Have you been to the doctor lately? Cause I think you’re lacking some Vitamin Me.

You look so familiar… didn’t we take a class together? I could’ve sworn we had chemistry.

Damn, if being sexy was a crime, you’d be guilty as charged!

This isn’t a beer belly, It’s a fuel tank for a love machine.

Do you have any raisins? [She says “No.”] How about a date?

25 Filthy Jokes

Filthy – but funny jokes.

1. What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years, your job will still suck.

2. Why do walruses love a tupperware party?
They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.

3. Why did God give men penises?
So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.

4. What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?
Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.

5. How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?
Call and tell her about it.

Rude jokes – How low can you go?

6. What’s the difference between your dick and a bonus check?
Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.

7. How is life like a penis?
Your girlfriend makes it hard.

8. Why do women have orgasms?
Just another reason to moan, really.

9. What do you call a guy with a small dick?
Just-in!

10. What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.

Rude jokes – not fit for polite company?

11. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Lick-a-lotta-puss.

12. What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

13. What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?
A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.

14. What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

15. Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
He only comes once a year.

Rude jokes – like oral sex, it’s a matter of taste?

16. What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.

17. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

18. Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
For fingering a minor.

19. What did the penis say to the vagina?
Don’t make me come in there!on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed.

20. What do a woman and a bar have in common?
Liquor in the front, poker in the back.

Rude jokes – and finally…

21. What’s another name for a vagina?
The box a penis comes in.

22. What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?
One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

23. What do you call two jalapeños getting it on?
Fucking hot!

24. What do boobs and toys have in common?
They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.

25. How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw.

great pick up lines from the movies

Great pick up lines from the movies

It’s no suprise that many of the great pick up lines, started life in a movie. Really good lines written by brilliant writers and delivered by some of the best actors or comedians around are guaranteed to get a reaction. It’s no surprise that they are classics.

The perfect chat up opener

But funny is funny whether it is in the movies or in real life and what I love about these fantastic one-liners and chat up lines is that they still sound great and get a smile when delivered by us mere mortals. You don’t have to have the delivery of Groucho Marx or the looks of Tom Cruise to get a response, you just need to pick your moment and have the confidence to say them. Enjoy

“I don’t bite, you know… unless it’s called for.”
Audrey Hepburn to Cary Grant, Charade (1963)

“That’s a nice dress. Where’s the rest of it?”
Andy Garcia to Nancy Travis, Internal Affairs (1990)

“You know, it’s dangerous for you to be here in the frozen food section… Because you could melt all this stuff.”
Steve Martin to Carol Kane, My Blue Heaven (1990)

“You glide. It’s a very attractive quality. Most girls, they merely plod along. You, on the other hand, you glide…”
Andy Garcia to Gabrielle Anwar, Things to Do in Denver When You’re Dead (1995)

“Can you keep a secret? I’m trying to organize a prison break. I’m looking for, like, an accomplice. We have to first get out of this bar, then the hotel, then the city, and then the country. Are you in or you out?”
Bill Murray to Scarlett Johansson Lost in Translation (2003)

“You’re prettier than I am.”
Seth Rogen as Ben Stone, Knocked Up (2007)

“I have crossed oceans of time to find you.”
Gary Oldman to Winona Ryder, Dracula (1982)

“Marry me, and I’ll never look at another horse.”
Groucho Marx as Dr Hugo Z. Hackenbush, A Day at the Races (1937)

“How would you like to have a sexual encounter so intense it could conceivably change your political views?”
John Cusack, The Sure Thing (1985)

“If I win, I get to take you home. If you win, you can come home with me.”
Steve Buscemi as Tommy Basilio, Trees Lounge (1996)

Ultimate Geek chat up line – love this

“I see you’re drinking 1%. Is that ’cause you think you’re fat? ‘Cause you’re not. You could be drinking whole if you wanted to.”
Jon Heder, Napoleon Dynamite (2004)

“Are you looking for shells too?”
“No, I’m just looking.”
James Bond to Ursulal Andress, Dr. No (1962)

“I couldn’t help but notice that you look a lot like my next girlfriend.”
Will Smith as Alex Hitchens, Hitch (2005)

“I don’t know how to put this, but I’m kind of a big deal.”
Will Ferrell as Ron Burgundy, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)

“I hate to see you go, but I love to watch you leave.”
John Travolta as Castor Troy, Face/Off (1997)

“See, I’ve got this little problem. I’ve got a stalker… I need a cover. I need for you to pretend we’re having a scintillating conversation, and you are wildly entertained.”
Tom Cruise and Penelope Cruz, Vanilla Sky (2001)

Good Luck and have fun – Back to guaranteed pick up lines homepage…>

Dinosaur pick up lines

Dinosaur pick up lines

Dinosaur pick up lines are a bit thin on the ground these days, in fact you could be forgiven for thinking they’re extinct. Anyway, we did some digging around and found these Jurassic classics.

Fossil hunters will have a field day

Some may think these long-dead pick up lines belong in a museum, but we like ’em. So why not dust them down and give them a try. You may get a bite.

Dinosaur chat up lines

You’re the tricera-tops and you’re making me horny.

We should carbon date because our half-life would approach eternity.

Why don’t you Triassic a little tenderness?

Why go for the b-rachiosaurus, when you could go for the D-rachiosaurus.

You’re not a b-rachiosaurus. You’re a DD-rachiosaurus.

I’m hung like an Apatosaurus.

You can dig up my bone any day.

You should come home with me, because I’ll make you dino-sore.

Why don’t we mosey-osaur over to my place?

I know the best way to plesiosaur a woman.

I’m hornier than a styracosaurus.

Jurrassic-ing me back to your place? Okay!

Dimetro-damn!

This bone may not date to the Jurassic Period, but it’s still rock hard.

I’d wish you’d stegosaurus the night.

You must be the La Brea tar pits, cuz I want to get my bone stuck in that.

Good luck and happy hunting. Back to ‘gauranteed pick up lines home page’

Apple won’t engrave ‘Vagina’ or ‘Clit’ on iPad – but will do penis!

guaranteed-pickups-ipad2
Not scared of penis

Found an interesting article on a very amusing website, jezebel.com. Basically, Apple refused to engrave a song lyric by Alix Olson, which read, “I’ll give myself a lube job, shake my broomstick til my clit throbs.” for a female iPad customer.

Strangely, the words ‘dick’ and ‘penis’ were allowed however, another attempt replacing ‘penis’ with ‘vagina’ was somehow blocked too.

The writer, Justyn Hintze, surmised that Apple was so entrenched in misogyny and sexism, that it is actually terrified of women’s bodies and pleasure.

Who knows – maybe they just prefer cock! Or maybe, their beliefs are archaic and a bit more ‘old testament’ than we thought. And that they are still pretty wary of the power of women and apples.

Think I’ll try them out with the word ‘minge’ or ‘hootenanny’.

Guaranteed Pick Up lines

NO, NO, NO – logos that should never have been allowed to see the light of day

Guaranteed Pick Up lines worst logos EVER

Guaranteed pick up lines have been trawling internet while researching some logo ideas. And, what started off as a legitimate search in the name of graphic design, turned in to a full on ‘witch hunt’ for the graphically challenged. Someone, somewhere has said “That’s a good idea. We have a new logo!”

funny-pickup-lines-bad-logos-1
Nuff said…

funny-pickup-lines-bad-logos-2
Maybe it’s my dirty mind but…

funny-pickup-lines-bad-logos-3
Ok, the church is a pretty easy target these days, but this??

funny-pickup-lines-bad-logos-4
“Not only have we drawn a massive dobber in your logo, but we added spunk lines too. Woo hoo.”

funny-pickup-lines-bad-logos-5
If you see someone drowning, don’t forget to ‘laugh-out-loud’

funny-pickup-lines-bad-logos-6
No Mr Byrne, I don’t think your logo looks a little bit like a huge cock and balls. It IS a huge cock and balls.

funny-pickup-lines-bad-logos-7
Not sure I would eat anything from there.

funny-pickup-lines-bad-logos-8
I don’t care how fresh your coffee is, I don’t want to drink from a dead tortoise.

funny-pickup-lines-bad-logos-9
Get your KY jelly here.

funny-pickup-lines-bad-logos-10
Yip. Massive cock and balls. Again.

funny-pickup-lines-bad-logos-11
Apparently, its stands for ‘Help A Stranger Cum’. Actually, we made that up.

funny-pickup-lines-bad-logos-12
Oh sweet Jesus. Someone ok’d this. Someone who wanted to sell maple syrup.

funny-pickup-lines-bad-logos-13
Massive cock. Massive tits. Who said they don’t have a sense of humour?

funny-pickup-lines-bad-logos-14
Now, this would have been all wrong if they didn’t have a nice wee picture to explain what it is they do.

funny-pickup-lines-bad-logos-15
You want to call your company WHAT?!? What was wrong with the last name ‘Dangle-berries’?

Guaranteed pickup lines homepage…>

Pickup lines – Some good comeback lines you can expect to hear

Some good comeback lines you can expect to hear

All good pick up lines should be taken with a pinch of salt. Occasionally, you might just meet someone who’s been around long enough to have heard most of them and possibly, quite a few of them that night. Be prepared for the type of comeback that could put even the most seasoned professional pickup artist in his place.

My advice? Go with it, have a laugh. You’ve clearly met someone with a sense of humor and may be up for a bit of banter.

25.
Here I am! What were your other two wishes?

That he be charming and handsome. I guess not all wishes come true.

24.
I feel like a library card, since I’ve been totally checking you out!

Did you notice that I’m like a best seller? Currently unavailable.

23.
Are you a parking ticket? Because you’ve got fine written all over you.
No, but you must be a jury notice, because I’m trying to avoid you.

22.
All those curves and me with no brakes.
All that cheese, and me with no pizza.

21.
If you were a McDonald’s burger, you’d be the McGorgeous.

Thanks, Ronald, but I’ve already talked to enough clowns tonight.

20.
That’s a cute dress. It would look even better on my bedroom floor.

And it would look fabulous jammed into your windpipe.

19.
If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

If I said I wanted to check out your ass, would you turn around and walk away?

18.
You know, you look a lot like my next girlfriend.

And you look exactly like the guy I turned down two seconds from now.

17.
I just Googled “sexy” and a picture of you came up.

You’ll get the same result if you search for “not interested.”

16.
Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only ten I see!

Are you from Istanbul? Because you sound like a real turkey.

15.
Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams?

No, they hurt from dodging corny lines like that all night.

14.
Excuse me, does this napkin smell like chloroform to you?

Not as much as that pick-up line smells like desperation.

13.
Is it hot in here, or is it just you?

Actually, it’s you. Because you just crashed and burned.

12.
Do you have a map? I’m getting lost in your eyes.
Sorry, no map. So why don’t you just get lost?

11.
Is your last name Campbell? Because you’re Mmm Mmm good!

Your nickname must be Dirt Devil, because tonight you’ll be alone with the power of an upright in the palm of your hand.

10.
Are you a magician? Because abraca-dayum, girl!

Yeah. Now watch me disappear.

9.
Didn’t we take a class together? I could’ve sworn we had chemistry.

I’m thinking it was history. Which is what you should be right now.

8.
Why don’t we get drunk and make some bad decisions?

You look like you already are, and you just did.

7.
Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk by again?

Go ahead. I need to practice hitting a moving target.

6.
What’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?

I was gonna ask you the same thing!

5.
Are you Jamaican? Because Jamaican me crazy!

No, I’m Finnish. Finnish with this conversation!

4.
There’s something wrong with my eyes. I can’t take them off you.

I’m having a problem with mine, too. I can’t see you getting anywhere with me.

3.
I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away.

I don’t. But I know karate and I could rip your lungs out.

2.
Are those space pants? Because your ass is out of this world!
No, they’re prison pants. And it’s time for me to make my escape.

1.
Feel my shirt. That’s boyfriend material.

It looks a little too clingy and hard to maintain.

Happy couple – joke of the day

A man and a woman were sitting at a table at the woman’s 20th anniversary secondary school reunion. The woman kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink, as he sat alone at a nearby table.

The man asked: “Do you know him?”

“Yes,” the woman sighed. “He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”

“My God!” says the man. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

Previous Joke of the day:

Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”

My favourite joke of the year

My favourite, favourite joke of the year

A dad hunts and kills a deer and decides to cook it for the family dinner. As he doesn’t want to upset his kids who love bambi, he decides not to tell them what it is. However, during the meal he decides to give them one clue.
“It’s what your mother affectionately calls me.” he says. His six year old boys shouts out “It’s a fucking dick, don’t eat it!”

Guaranteed Pick Up lines

Dinosaur Jokes

Dinosaur Jokes

In my continuing search for all things dinosaur and funny I came across a few decent dinosaur jokes. Good dinosaur gags are a bit hard to come by. One may be forgiven for thinking they’re actually extinct – managed to dig up a few though. There’s even a couple in here that manage to be both rude and sexist. Enjoy.

Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A: Lickalotopuss.

Q: What do you call a dinosaur that’s just been bummed?
A: Mega-sore-ass.

Q: Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom?
A: Because the ‘p’ is silent.

Q: What does a Triceratops sit on?
A: Its Tricera-bottom.

Q: What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?
A: They’re both extinct.

Q. What do you get when you cross a pig with a dinosaur?
A. Jurassic Pork.

Q. Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A. Because chickens weren’t invented yet.

Q. Why did dinosaurs have sex under water?
A. You try to keep five hundred pounds of pussy wet!

I’ll keep searching. Back to the site.

Classic Rude Pickup Lines

rude pickup lines

Rude Pick up lines

Although there are tons of pick up lines and chat up lines around, the most popular still seem to be the cheeky and the rude ones.

It seems that guys will pretty much always resort to sex and innuendo in an attempt to woo the ladies AND what is surprising is that these are the ones that seem to be getting results. Yip love ‘em or hate ‘em, the bold, rude and risqué chat up lines are the ones that illicit the most extreme responses.

Rude, crude and dirty

At the end of the day, the success of your cheeky approach is dependent on your situation and who you are saying it to. If you can pull it off (oo-errr) and not come across as creepy, you will definitely make an impression. Good or bad, it’s up to you to take if from there. Who knows, maybe you can apologise with a drink or three.

Good luck with these lines

Pardon me Ma’am but I am from the FBI – Fine Body Inspectors. I’m going to have to ask for your phone number.

What is a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?

I’ll cook you dinner if you cook me breakfast.

I have a tongue like an anteater, fancy a trip to the zoo?

I want to wear you like a pair of sunglasses, one leg over each ear!

Would you like to try an Australian kiss? Its like a French kiss but down under.

I’ve just moved you to the top of my to-do list.

I hope you’re wearing space knickers ‘cause your ass is out of this world.

For loads more rude pick up lines check this page out

Comeback line of the year…

Comeback line of the year…

As well as constantly being on the lookout for the best pickup lines around, we’re also searching for great jokes, general funny stuff and the best and sharpest comeback lines too. During our search for the ultimate witty reply and putdown, we found this amazing transcription of a radio interview on the subject of guns and children. Genius comeback line.

A general of the US military was being interviewed regarding gun laws in relation to children. The Female interviewer was querying the General over sponsorship of a boy scout troop visiting his headquarters.

It goes:
Female Interviewer
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these you boys when they visit your base?

General Cosgrove
We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

Female Interviewer
Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?

General Cosgrove
I don’t see why. They will be properly supervised at the rifle range.

Female Interviewer
Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching young children?

General Cosgrove
I don’t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

Female Interviewer
But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.

General Cosgrove
Well, Ma’am, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you?

The interview ended shortly afterwards. Genius.

Guaranteed pickup lines homepage…>

The inventor of the anagram has passed away

Breaking News:

The inventor of the anagram has passed away aged 94. May he “erect a penis”.

And also, tragically:

The man who invented the raffle has passed away too. R.I.P Tom Bola.

Sexist joke:

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.” She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?” A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, “Here, iron this!”.

Today’s wisdom:

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Back to the Guaranteed pickup lines homepage…>

Caption Contest – you could receive…

…the warm fuzzy feeling of being the cleverest.

guaranteed pick up lines
guaranteed pick up lines are, for once, lost for words…

Occasionally you come across a picture that confuses and dumbfounds you. This one just creeped me out a little. I thought of a caption or two, but then thought why not open it up and see what you guys can think of.

Nothing too sinister, please… Or rude… Or offensive….

Cheers – Guaranteed pick up lines homepage…>

Arsehole drinks whole bottle of Jack Daniels in one go

Saddo Will Williams, also now known as ‘friendless alky beardy twat’ necked an entire bottle of Jack Daniels for a viral stunt. The hairy, incontinent singleton performed this utterly pointless act for the camera at an upmarket and picturesque service station near Chester. I feel sorry for the individual who sat next to him for the rest of the journey. That’s if they didn’t leave him there. I hope you shit your pants.
posted on the mirror website.

rude pick up lines of the week

This weeks top rude pick up lines from GPUL

Rude joke for the guy with sense of humour
I would love to tell you the joke about my penis… but it’s too long.

Rude joke for the (skinny) girl with sense of humour
Wanna play carnival? You sit on my face and I guess how much you weigh.

Rude joke for the philosophical
With great penis, comes great responsibility.

Rude joke for Aussies
Would you like to try an Australian kiss? It is just like a French kiss, but down under.

Rude joke if you appear in the movie ‘Anchorman’
Hey baby there’s a party in my pants and you are invited!

Rude joke for cheeky bastards
Are you free tonight or do I have to pay like the other guys?

Back to Guaranteed best chat up lines…

Sincere Chat up lines for Sincere Single People

Sincere Chat up lines for Sincere Single People

A few straight forward openers for the mildly faint-of-heart, er sorry genuine amongst us…

Why do you look so unhappy (or bored)?
You are too beautiful for me not to at least talk to you.
Excuse me, I think it’s time we met.
You look like you could use some company.
Do you mind if I flirt with you for a while?
How hard would it be to talk you into dancing with me?
So, do you know any good pick-up lines? (if not, I know a great website… http://guaranteedpickuplines.com ha ha

Mermaid jokes

Nothing fishy about these Mermaid jokes – Guaranteed pick up lines

Q. Why did the mermaid wear seashells?
A. Because ‘b’ shells were too small?

Q. What kind of bra does the Mermaid wear?
A. Algebra!

Q. Where did the fisherman and mermaid meet ?
A. On line!

Q. Which part of a mermaid weighs the most?
A. The scales!

Q. Why did the Little Mermaid look the other way?
A. Because the seaweed.

Q. What is a mermaid’s favorite song?
A. Salmon-chanted Evening!

Three fishermen were fishing when they came upon a mermaid, the mermaid offered them one wish each so the first fisherman said: “double my I.Q” so the mermaid did it and to his surprise he started reciting Shakespeare. Then the second fisherman said: “triple my I.Q.” and sure enough the mermaid did it and amazingly he started doing math problems he didn’t know existed. The third fisherman was so impressed he asked the mermaid to quadruple his I.Q and the mermaid said “Are you sure about this? It will change your whole life!” the fisherman said “yes” so the mermaid turned him into a woman.

An old guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender notices the guy has a head the size of a cue ball. “I hope you don’t mind me asking,” says the bartender. “But what happened?” The old guy sighs and starts to tell his story. “During the war, my ship was torpedoed by a German U-boat. I was rescued by a mermaid and she granted me three wishes. My first wish was to return home to the States. My second wish was to have as much money as I would ever need. My third and final wish was to have sex with the mermaid.”
“That doesn’t sound too bad,” says the bartender. “What happened?”
“Well,” sighs the man, “mermaids can’t have sex, so I asked her for a little head… .”

FIN
meramaid jokes from guaranteed pick up lines

Joke of the day from Guaranteed pickup lines

Joke of the day from Guaranteed pickup lines

A family is having dinner at the dinner table. The son turns to the father and says, “Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter.
 
The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

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Inventions for lazy bastards

Guaranteed pick up lines found these life enhancing, labour saving inventions. If you are tempted to buy any of these items, I have only one question for you. Who’s pressing the keys on your keyboard for you?
 
pick up lines funny things
I love this, people will hardly notice my double chin and man titties…
 
 
boiled_eggs_peeled
Watch peoples faces when you secretly open a packet of these in an elevator.
 
 
book_reading_chair
And maybe if this is too much like hard work, why not just buy an audio version of the book and have a friend press play for you.
 
 
dust_slippers
In the off chance you sometimes move around your house, why not wrap towels round your big fat bingo-wing arms and dust the house as you go.
 
 
lazy_bastard_scissors
Good for opening those ‘Dear John’ letters.
 
 
spaghetti_twister
I’ve been in those ‘fancy dan’ restaurants where they turn their nose up when you ask for your pasta to be pureed so you can just pour it in, this thing really helps.

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Some thoughts for the day…

some thoughts for the day

You really can’t beat a healthy dose of sarcasm, so here’s a few classics you can weild during those moments you encounter an asshole. Funny stuff and definitely worth depositing in the Guaranteed pick up lines Wit Bank.

If you don’t want a sarcastic comment, don’t ask a stupid question.

I don’t hold grudges, I remember facts.

Beauty fades but dumb lasts forever.

Some people need a high five. In the face. With a chair.

I don’t judge people by the colour of their skin, I judge them by the colour of their teeth.

No, you are wrong so just sit their in your wrongness and be wrong.

Mmmm, what would Dexter do?

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words of wisdom 2

Words of wisdom – and good pickups

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.

Oliver Herford

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Jim Carrey

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

Rodney Dangerfield

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

Mae West

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