Funny quotes from funny people

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth

Only the mediocre are always at their best.
Jean Giraudoux

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
Joe E. Lewis

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Groucho Marx

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns

What’s another word for Thesaurus?
Steven Wright

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams

If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
Laurence J. Peter

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams