NO, NO, NO – logos that should never have been allowed to see the light of day

Guaranteed Pick Up lines worst logos EVER

Guaranteed pick up lines have been trawling internet while researching some logo ideas. And, what started off as a legitimate search in the name of graphic design, turned in to a full on ‘witch hunt’ for the graphically challenged. Someone, somewhere has said “That’s a good idea. We have a new logo!”

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Nuff said…

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Maybe it’s my dirty mind but…

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Ok, the church is a pretty easy target these days, but this??

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“Not only have we drawn a massive dobber in your logo, but we added spunk lines too. Woo hoo.”

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If you see someone drowning, don’t forget to ‘laugh-out-loud’

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No Mr Byrne, I don’t think your logo looks a little bit like a huge cock and balls. It IS a huge cock and balls.

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Not sure I would eat anything from there.

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I don’t care how fresh your coffee is, I don’t want to drink from a dead tortoise.

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Get your KY jelly here.

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Yip. Massive cock and balls. Again.

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Apparently, its stands for ‘Help A Stranger Cum’. Actually, we made that up.

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Oh sweet Jesus. Someone ok’d this. Someone who wanted to sell maple syrup.

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Massive cock. Massive tits. Who said they don’t have a sense of humour?

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Now, this would have been all wrong if they didn’t have a nice wee picture to explain what it is they do.

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You want to call your company WHAT?!? What was wrong with the last name ‘Dangle-berries’?

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The inventor of the anagram has passed away

Breaking News:

The inventor of the anagram has passed away aged 94. May he “erect a penis”.

And also, tragically:

The man who invented the raffle has passed away too. R.I.P Tom Bola.

Sexist joke:

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.” She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?” A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, “Here, iron this!”.

Today’s wisdom:

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

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Inventions for lazy bastards

Guaranteed pick up lines found these life enhancing, labour saving inventions. If you are tempted to buy any of these items, I have only one question for you. Who’s pressing the keys on your keyboard for you?
 
pick up lines funny things
I love this, people will hardly notice my double chin and man titties…
 
 
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Watch peoples faces when you secretly open a packet of these in an elevator.
 
 
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And maybe if this is too much like hard work, why not just buy an audio version of the book and have a friend press play for you.
 
 
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In the off chance you sometimes move around your house, why not wrap towels round your big fat bingo-wing arms and dust the house as you go.
 
 
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Good for opening those ‘Dear John’ letters.
 
 
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I’ve been in those ‘fancy dan’ restaurants where they turn their nose up when you ask for your pasta to be pureed so you can just pour it in, this thing really helps.

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Thirty second IQ test

It’s a single question IQ test – and is basically a pass or fail. I failed.
 
Question:
There’s a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
 
Now, if there’s a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

Think about it before looking down for the answer…
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Answer:
He opens his mouth and says, “I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses, please”.
 
 
Be very honest with yourself. How did you do?

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Top 50 jokes in the world

Top 50 jokes in the world

Here at ‘Guaranteed pick up lines’ we are constantly looking for new material, chat up lines and all round funny stuff from the internet. So imaging our delight when we found this list of the Top 50 jokes in the world – and surprisingly, most of them are fit for polite company.
 
Some really good jokes here, some classics, some corny and there’s definitely a dozen good one liners you’ll want to memorise.
 
Here goes…

50 – I went to see the doctor the other day and he said: “Go to Bournemouth, it’s great for flu.” So I went – and I got it.

49 – A seal walks into a club…

48 – Went to the corner shop – I bought four corners.

47 – So I met this famous gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants. It was Wedgie Kray.

46 – I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything – trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

45 – I tried water polo but my horse drowned.

44 – A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and says: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

43 – You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a Catholic converter.

42 – I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags. He’s bisatchel.

41 – Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

40 – I said to this train driver: “I want to go to Paris.” He said: “Eurostar?” I said: “I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.”

39 – My phone will ring at 2am and my wife’ll look at me and go, “Who’s that calling at this time?” I say, “I don’t know. If I knew that we wouldn’t need the bloody phone.”

38 – A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins. What a turtle disaster.

37 – I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said “may contain nuts”. Well, YES. That’s what I bought them for. You’d be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out.

36 – I backed a horse last week at 10 to one. It came in at quarter past four.

35 – I went down to my local supermarket and I said: “I want to make a complaint. This vinegar’s got lumps in it”. He said: “Those are pickled onions.”

34 – A man entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in 10 different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in 10 did.

33 – I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

32 – Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says: “Oi – get out. We don’t want your type in here.”

31 – I’m in a Chinese restaurant and this duck comes up with a red rose and says: “Your eyes sparkle like diamonds.” I said: “Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck.”

30 – I’m in a great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a year’s supply of Marmite – one jar.

29 – I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said: “Are you two an item?”

28 – A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their tournament victories. After an hour, the manager came out and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

27 – Went to the paper shop – it had blown away.

26 – I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.

25 – I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and said: “Did you get my drift?”

24 – A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: “Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.”

23 – A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says: “Is this some kind of joke?”

22 – Slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace.

21 – A jumplead walks into a bar. The barman says: “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

20 – I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up for a date but she’d popped her clogs.

19 – I rang up BT. I said: “I want to report a nuisance caller.” He said: “Not you again.”

18 – “My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.”

17 – When Susan’s boyfriend proposed, she said: “I love the simple things in life but I don’t want one of them for my husband.”

16 – I went to buy camouflage trousers but I couldn’t find any.

15 – Two fish in a tank. One says: “How do you drive this thing?”

14 – A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to Spain and is named Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving it, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband said: “But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

13 – I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought: “He’s trying to pull a fast one.”

12 – My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed. I never knew they worked.

11 – Went to the doctors and said: “Have you got anything for wind?” He gave me a kite.

10 – A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says: “Pint please, and one for the road.”

9 – I’m on a whisky diet. I’ve lost three days already.

8 – “Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass Of Home.” He said: “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.” “Is it common?” I asked. “It’s not unusual,” he replied.

7 – Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The reception was brilliant.

6 – Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

5 – A classic from Tommy Cooper – I said to the gym instructor: “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said: “How flexible are you?” I said: “I can’t make Tuesdays.”

4 – A young blonde fears her husband is having an affair. She goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she finds him in bed with a redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps off the bed and starts begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically, the blonde responds to the husband: “Shut up, you’re next.”

3 – A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

2 – Went to the zoo. There was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.

1 – A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me.” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

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