25 Filthy Jokes

Filthy – but funny jokes.

1. What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years, your job will still suck.

2. Why do walruses love a tupperware party?
They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.

3. Why did God give men penises?
So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.

4. What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?
Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.

5. How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?
Call and tell her about it.

Rude jokes – How low can you go?

6. What’s the difference between your dick and a bonus check?
Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.

7. How is life like a penis?
Your girlfriend makes it hard.

8. Why do women have orgasms?
Just another reason to moan, really.

9. What do you call a guy with a small dick?

10. What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.

Rude jokes – not fit for polite company?

11. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

12. What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

13. What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?
A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.

14. What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

15. Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
He only comes once a year.

Rude jokes – like oral sex, it’s a matter of taste?

16. What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.

17. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

18. Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
For fingering a minor.

19. What did the penis say to the vagina?
Don’t make me come in there!on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed.

20. What do a woman and a bar have in common?
Liquor in the front, poker in the back.

Rude jokes – and finally…

21. What’s another name for a vagina?
The box a penis comes in.

22. What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?
One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

23. What do you call two jalapeños getting it on?
Fucking hot!

24. What do boobs and toys have in common?
They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.

25. How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw.

Happy couple – joke of the day

A man and a woman were sitting at a table at the woman’s 20th anniversary secondary school reunion. The woman kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink, as he sat alone at a nearby table.

The man asked: “Do you know him?”

“Yes,” the woman sighed. “He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”

“My God!” says the man. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

Previous Joke of the day:

Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”

My favourite joke of the year

My favourite, favourite joke of the year

A dad hunts and kills a deer and decides to cook it for the family dinner. As he doesn’t want to upset his kids who love bambi, he decides not to tell them what it is. However, during the meal he decides to give them one clue.
“It’s what your mother affectionately calls me.” he says. His six year old boys shouts out “It’s a fucking dick, don’t eat it!”

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The inventor of the anagram has passed away

Breaking News:

The inventor of the anagram has passed away aged 94. May he “erect a penis”.

And also, tragically:

The man who invented the raffle has passed away too. R.I.P Tom Bola.

Sexist joke:

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.” She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?” A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, “Here, iron this!”.

Today’s wisdom:

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

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Arsehole drinks whole bottle of Jack Daniels in one go

Saddo Will Williams, also now known as ‘friendless alky beardy twat’ necked an entire bottle of Jack Daniels for a viral stunt. The hairy, incontinent singleton performed this utterly pointless act for the camera at an upmarket and picturesque service station near Chester. I feel sorry for the individual who sat next to him for the rest of the journey. That’s if they didn’t leave him there. I hope you shit your pants.
posted on the mirror website.

Mermaid jokes

Nothing fishy about these Mermaid jokes – Guaranteed pick up lines

Q. Why did the mermaid wear seashells?
A. Because ‘b’ shells were too small?

Q. What kind of bra does the Mermaid wear?
A. Algebra!

Q. Where did the fisherman and mermaid meet ?
A. On line!

Q. Which part of a mermaid weighs the most?
A. The scales!

Q. Why did the Little Mermaid look the other way?
A. Because the seaweed.

Q. What is a mermaid’s favorite song?
A. Salmon-chanted Evening!

Three fishermen were fishing when they came upon a mermaid, the mermaid offered them one wish each so the first fisherman said: “double my I.Q” so the mermaid did it and to his surprise he started reciting Shakespeare. Then the second fisherman said: “triple my I.Q.” and sure enough the mermaid did it and amazingly he started doing math problems he didn’t know existed. The third fisherman was so impressed he asked the mermaid to quadruple his I.Q and the mermaid said “Are you sure about this? It will change your whole life!” the fisherman said “yes” so the mermaid turned him into a woman.

An old guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender notices the guy has a head the size of a cue ball. “I hope you don’t mind me asking,” says the bartender. “But what happened?” The old guy sighs and starts to tell his story. “During the war, my ship was torpedoed by a German U-boat. I was rescued by a mermaid and she granted me three wishes. My first wish was to return home to the States. My second wish was to have as much money as I would ever need. My third and final wish was to have sex with the mermaid.”
“That doesn’t sound too bad,” says the bartender. “What happened?”
“Well,” sighs the man, “mermaids can’t have sex, so I asked her for a little head… .”

meramaid jokes from guaranteed pick up lines

Joke of the day from Guaranteed pickup lines

Joke of the day from Guaranteed pickup lines

A family is having dinner at the dinner table. The son turns to the father and says, “Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter.
The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

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